Listen, I believe the children are our future and all that crap.
I do. I really do.
I say this, even though when I met Garrett I wasn't sure I wanted kids. And frankly I was pretty forward about that up front because:
1) I knew our relationship was serious and
2) Since I was 27 when we met and at that point I still didn't have that..."Yay! Babies!" kind of excitement up inside me I thought he deserved to know.
"You will want it someday when you realize what a great mom you will be..." he assured me. (Okay, seriously that is cute now that I think about it. He was only 24!)
"When you meet the right person you will want children..." My Mom said. Sure Mom, whatever.
And lo and behold, they were both totally right! (JERKS.) Four years later, although I am definitely not ready yet, I CAN'T WAIT until Garrett and I start a family. I can't think of anything cooler than having a baby with this man. Kids? Bring 'em on!
HOWEVER....
Can I digress just a minute and say, what the fuck is up with women having babies and then flushing their entire identities down the toilet? Man, this totally irks me. And do you know what makes me so hyper-aware of this phenomenon?
Facebook.
I have so many girlfriends on Facebook who at one time were, you know, good friends -- meaning we had something in common, shared an interest, enjoyed each other's company, liked to discuss our opinions -- and now? They have distilled their personalities down to one liner status updates that only surround being a mom. And that's it. Nothing else.
Who they were before kids? Finito.
What they think about the tragedy in Haiti? Unimportant compared to their little baby-waby!
Whether Heidi Montag has gone off the deep end? Who's Heidi Montag? I'm too busy watching Backyardigans.
It's all about who their kids are, what their kids are doing, what their kids are thinking. And AY YAY YAY people, it makes me kind of scared. If I went by Facebook, now that I have finally made the decision that I want to have a baby, my life is going to turn into Invasion of the Mommy Snatchers!
And oh my god, No! I refuse to let this be my fate.
Now let me interject real quick before any of you start throwing tomatoes at me -- luckily, I know some very cool moms out there who are having kids and talking about it in a totally non-obnoxious way. And thank god! Because I don't know what I'd do if their weren't some inspiring role models out there who are loving the heck out of motherhood while hanging on to their own identity.
Also, I'm not asking for an all out Facebook Gag Order about the kidlets because frankly, if you are my friend, I probably like you and your kids, so even someone with a cold black heart like mine does still enjoy the occasional update. I am smart enough to know that as a parent, having children becomes an incredibly significant part of your life, and one that you are (hopefully) excited to talk about and I dig that. I guess what I'm saying is, must it be the only thing to define you? Because seriously, YOU ARE FREAKING MY REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS THE EFF OUT!!!!!!
Please, please, please tell me that parenthood isn't doomed to be so one-dimensional dear readers-- because according to Facebook, I am doomed!
Who do you know that is living an inspiring life while still being a good mother -- please tell me, I'm dying to know.
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11 comments:
First of all, Facebook is the debbil, Bobby Boucher.
Second, I am living breathing proof that you can keep your identity.
HRRMMM. I remember thinking exactly what you are thinking BEFORE I had kids. Now that I have them I feel like my identity is changed, but, in many ways for the better. And it's true, especially as a stay-at-home-mom, my whole day revolves around taking care of them. My FB status, if I ever updated it, would be about potty training 24/7. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE!
THAT SAID. I am bored out of my mind by women who don't have anything to talk about except their kids! And I spend a LOT of time trying to fit "my" stuff into the extra spaces in my day, because I need those things to be ME. My identity has changed, and it's hard to maintain your way awesome grown up self when you're spending 12 hours a day with shorties, but I also like how having kids has changed me. There are definitely days when I feel like I've lost who I am, but that's when I realize I need to keep pursuing the extra stuff, and keep being me. Ooh, now I am RAMBLING. This is an AWESOME blog comment!
Anyway, obviously you are way cooler than those women. And agreed, Facebook is the devil.
You are totally right...I should probably just know that's it is Facebook and it is barely a snapshot of how people truly are. Instead of ranting I should probably just take it with a grain of salt, but sometimes I just can't help venting!
Holly - I'm loving your blog. I am amused by your honesty and putting words to the same things I've been noticing with all my new parent friends as of late. You rock. See you in the BYW halls. :)
This is why there are so many mommy blogs where we spend oodles of time rambling on about our internal conflicts about everything. Because we remember being that person who swore we would not lose our identity and that we would still be the same person after kids as we were pre-kids. But it just doesn't happen. :)
That being said, I agree with Maggie- I'm a different person, but still me, and probably a different version of me. Similar to single me versus married me. It's all a lot of changes, but good ones, overall.
No, you're absolutely right, Holly! For some reason or another, I don't think I really thought about my identity of being "Mommy Whitney" until Dublin was a few months old.
To me, I feel mostly the same way. I'm still a relative-homebody. I still enjoy margaritas on the rocks and date nights (although few and far between), but having Dublin has changed me in the way I view the world.
I always planned to go back to college, sure, but I didn't seriously consider it until Dublin was a couple months old. I realized how much better D's life would be if I...I dunno...GREW UP A BIT.
I try, VERY HARD, to not make my blog a stereotypical mommy-blog (nothing wrong with them, I just prefer it MY way), ALL ABOUT MAH BEBE, even though he is a significant part of my life. My blog is mine and I have a life, an identity outside of diaper-changing and bottle-making.
I'm not a parent myself, so I can't PROMISE anything. HOWEVER, my parents both clearly kept their own identities, interests, etc. after having kids. And I have tons of friends the same way. So I am just plowing forward blithely assuming that having kids will change me, but not erase me, and it'll be great. I'm sure it will be that way for you too.
Oh, don't we all wonder about THOSE moms? I think sometimes the majority of society thinks we have to morph into our children and become like them to really love our kids. I'm going out of the country in May for 3 weeks, without my kids. I was telling a friend about that she was all "I could never leave my kids for that long". WHY NOT!?! You'll be back! You'll get a break! You get to be yourself for a while!
Not all mom's are like THOSE moms. And sometimes THOSE moms just need time to adjust to finding that balance.
I tell ya, though. KIDS ARE THE AWESOME. ;-)
I think that, for me, more than losing MY identity I've found that a lot of things just have to be put on hold for a while. During that time when your kids are so young it's easy to lose yourself in them partly because they're so all-consuming, but partly because they rock your world in a way that nothing ever has. You know? Having a newborn with two (only slightly) older boys there's just little time to think about or do anything else, even though (TRUST ME) I want to! And I miss the days when I could!
Example: I've been hearing a lot about Lady Gaga lately. And, to my dismay, I had to ask my husband who she was. Now. MAYBE I would have had to ask anyway, but the truth is I probably didn't know anything about her because my TV is never my own anymore. Nor is my radio.
So. All that to say. I think that, if you work at it, the identity loss is only temporary. But good! Because in a way you're pouring it into your kids and helping them mold their own identities. And that's really what being a mom is all about anyway.
Wow, I've been wanting to say that forever, but I have so many pregnant friends I fear the wrath and explosion might be heard from wherever you are. I think social networking, facebook is especially is responsible for this rabid parenting thing we have had going on since 2006. People, whether they will admit it or not feel like they have to be extreme to get noticed, and parents who once raised their kids in somewhat an environment of anonymity, now have all their actions coursed in places like facebook or on blogs. It's entirely too much and I'm afraid for the same reasons. You just had more guts to say it!
amen, sister!
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