So I am second guessing my decision to run a half marathon, but maybe not for the reasons you might think – hear me out and then I would love it if you weigh in. I have no perspective in these types of situations. INTERNET, I need your advice. Eep!
:::opens up can of worms:::
I signed up to run the Seattle Rock and Roll Half Marathon a few months back after a night of imbibing and ego-fluffing, clearly. Liquid courage and a few months of CrossFitting will make you feel like you can do crazy things. I was excited at the thought of a new challenge and I am nothing, if not someone who loves to get wrapped up in a new challenge. I thrive off a good To Do List. You know this. This is the personality trait that Garrett will probably mentally order under ‘worse’ when it comes to contemplating that whole “For Better or For Worse” thing. While it is also a strength of mine, it is absolutely my Achilles heel.
When I signed up, my thought process was A) This will be a new challenge and it will feel exciting to accomplish as well as B) It will support my overarching goals to lose 50 more lbs this year. I still feel the same about option A. I am no longer doubting my ability to finish the race anymore and I totally think it will feel awesome to complete! But it is B that is beginning to feel a bit like a gray area.
I began running regularly in February and coincidentally that is also when my weight loss completely stalled. It wasn’t a total shock and it didn't concern me too much at first (oh, who am I kidding? I had concerns in the beginning when I was only losing 6 lbs per month.) But overallI had lost 70 lbs and this wasn’t my first rodeo -- I knew I would plateau at some point, so I started to tweak some things with my approach. I quit drinking alcohol completely. No change. I reduced my fruit consumption. No change. I really reigned in my carbohydrates and started tracking my food. No change. I tried Intermittent Fasting. No change. After 2 months, I hadn’t lost a single pound and it sure wasn’t for lack of effort. I was starting to get REALLY frustrated.
I continued to train for the half marathon, actually even kicking that up a notch, and I tried to remain patient because my body composition was still changing. My pants continued to get looser. If it wasn’t for my friend Sarah and the lovely AndreAnna (who sent me a box full of 12 POUNDS OF CLOTHES, God love her!) I would have absolutely nothing to wear! Things were changing, but the truth was with a goal of 50+ more pounds, something had to give because I was not comfortable staying at this weight and just saying "Oh, this is my body's set point." Because it is not. There was something rotten in the state of Denmark, and I was determined to figure out what it was.
Frustrated (and kind of exhausted, frankly) I had decided to take a little running hiatus. Three days per week I had been running 3-4 miles before I started work at 7am and you know what, I WAS TIRED. Especially considering that at least 2 days per week I would work until 4:30, CrossFit at 5pm and then go home to make dinner, handle things on the homefront, and try to squeeze in some active relaxing before I would crap out on the couch just to get up and do it all over again. It was becoming a bit of a grind, and I just didn’t want it to be like that.
I have a tendency to get a little obsessive with goals so trying to employ some things I have learned about balance over the last 8 months, I took this opportunity to try and intervene before I got to the point of quitting out of exhaustion. I weighed my options (no pun intended) about what could give a little, and I chose to take the break from running because even though I enjoy, it can’t hold a candle to how much I love CrossFit. I couldn’t imagine a week without CrossFit, and I thought I could ease off the running without much consequence since I had plenty of time to get back on the wagon before the Half Marathon in June.
My last run was March 24th. Since that run I have yet to get back outside to run or hopped on the treadmill. I have continued CrossFitting 3-4 times per week but I ditched my food tracking and just went back to eating an unweighed, unmeasured Paleo diet because I wanted to get back to being intuitive about my eating. You know with my obsessive personality there is nothing that drives me to insanity quicker than tracking my food. I started having a glass of wine again with dinner on the weekends because DAMMIT! I really enjoy that and don’t like feeling deprived. I bought a giant box of mangoes from Costco and I have been shameless eating them for dessert nightly and that one act alone has brought more joy to my life that you can even imagine. Fresh Mangoes! I could write a love poem about them, but I will spare you.
Also, I lost 7 lbs.
And the only difference was that I was exercising less and enjoying what I eat more. This weight loss journey is just abolutely messes with your mind sometimes, doesn't it?
I was doing some hop scotching around Mark’s Daily Apple (a great resource for Primal/Paleo info!) and I read The Case Against Cardio. I think he does a succinct job at explaining why rigorous aerobic activity isn’t always a great way to burn fat, but talk about an idea that goes against everything you've ever been taught about losing weight. But hey, so does going Paleo, and that seems to be working out pretty swimmingly for me in the big scheme of things! So I kept an open mind. Then I re-read this article about chronic cardio and a little light bulb in my head went off. It was actually this passage that got me thinking:
This kind of training…raises cortisol levels, increases oxidative damage, systemic inflammation, depresses the immune system and decreases fat metabolism. About the only good thing it does in improve cardiac muscle strength – and even then you get to the point of diminishing returns fairly quickly.
Was I doing myself a disservice with all the running without even meaning to?
Needless to say I haven’t been super excited to get back on the treadmill. Sure I have missed it a little bit, but when I go to bed each night and think, “Should I set my alarm for 4am tomorrow and get back on the treadmill?” I never feel the pull of the Siren’s song like I do when I skip CrossFit. I don't want to stop running forever, don't worry out there my favorite running buddies! But part of me feels like at this point in my journey, running might need to take a back seat. I am trying to see the forest through the trees here, and my major goal this year is to lose the weight. That is Numero Uno. I don't want to do anything to hinder that. But I also don’t think I will be able to show up in June and perform well in this Half Marathon if I don’t get back on the training bandwagon -- when I stopped running I was only doing about 5-6 miles comfortably. That would obviously need to improve and I am thinking my abilities may have even decreased with the time I've taken off, who knows?
The last little nagging thing is that we are already registered to the tune of a few hundred dollars that is non-refundable if we opt out of the race. This point is moot whether we run or not, that money is spent. But if we do choose to run it, we will also have to fork over at least an additional $600-800 for plane fare/hotel/food/etc at a minimum.
I’m starting to wonder whether it is worth the cost. Physically. Mentally. Financially. But damn if the idea of giving up on a goal doesn't chap my stubborn hide!
During my second running-heavy workout over at American River CrossFit I think I may have shook my head and mumbled something about these people trying to kill me under my breath. It was 4 or 5 rounds of lifting heavy things broken up with 800 meter (1/2 mile) runs in between, and it was a pretty accurate recipe for torture, I was sure. I was also sure I probably couldn’t do it because I was NOT a runner.
Somewhere amidst all of that negative self-talk I heard our coach Chad say “You don’t have to sprint the 800 meters, do it at any speed you like: the run is for recovery.” And in that moment I was fairly certain he was one egg short of a dozen because -- honest to god -- who the hell RUNS FOR RECOVERY, BUDDY?!?!
Today is a Monday, and as such I’ve jumped the typical hurdles -- the most notably suck-tastic was the sleepy pull of Daylight Savings when my alarm went off at 4:30am. But despite the temptation I fought the sandman, enjoyed a cup of coffee (what? I needed some heavy artillery for that fight), did a few chores around the house, and then put my running clothes on and headed into work early for another throwdown with the treadmill.
The treadmill is not my favorite way to run. In fact the hamster wheel style frustration of moving your body over and over and never getting anywhere can really be an additional mental struggle for me -- and frankly, I’m already busy enough in that department. When I hopped on this morning, I was, unsurprisingly -- Not Feeling It. I usually try to get into the music, tell myself stories, plan menus (Fat Kid, holla!), remember movie quotes – whatever I can do to get through, you know?
Today, I practically composed this blog post in my mind.
I thought a lot about how 7 months ago I never would have signed up to even run this half-marathon. And in the middle of that I realized that this first mile was feeling awesome. Then I thought about all the excuses I used to make for why I hated running. My former self would not even recognize this person who was booking-it by choice, without another person chasing them. And in the middle of that, I realized that I hadn't even had that feeling of working at high intensity yet. So I turned up the pace up a notch and kept pushing. And because I was still cruising, I did it again. I kept pushing and pushing until it felt super tough, but even then I didn't want to quit, I just made a few adjustments and kept going.
And 3 miles later I wondered, why was I ever even worried about my own abilities?
I am dedicated. I am strong. I'm not a quitter. I can achieve this goal if I try. I can be a runner if I want to be.
And when I stepped off that treadmill and headed into the locker room endorphins firing, positivity brimming, and dripping with the intensity of someone who has been singularly focused for the past 40 minutes– well what do you know?
A couple months ago, after a few successes at CrossFit and a few somewhat heavy pours of Pinot Noir, I got the balls to sign up for the Seattle Rock n Roll Half Marathon. At the time I was mostly concerned about the physical endurance aspect of the event -- could I physically prepare myself to run 13.1 miles IN A ROW, AT THE SAME TIME? All these runner types insist on this "in a row" business when they coordinate their races, which um-- hello? if I run 100 miles over the course of my lifetime you better believe I'm gonna call myself an Ultra Marathoner in my mind because I'm delusional like that. Ok not really, but the point is that the physical endurance was at the forefront of my mind. But a few months into preparing myself for this endeavor (and yes, I realize most people need weeks to prepare for a half marathon but I need months) I've had a few other realizations.
The first realization that I had when I started spending afternoons on a treadmill in the dungeon like gym at my office was that Holy Moses! Bo and Hope are still on Days of Our Lives. I mean seriously? You would have thought Stefano had killed them off by now, right? That guy really knows how to drag things out. Also, I realized that I have no idea how to use the remote in this gym. You would think it is a remote control and how complicated can it really be, AND YET. The last time I was regularly watching Days of Our Lives was circa 1993, so to call this discovery shocking is an understatement.
Realization number 2? Music is not a 'nice to have' it is a 'need to have' along with a headband for my very cute but very UN-functional-when-running bangs. Could I have picked a worse haircut for athletic endeavors? No, no I could not have. Anyway, we were talking music, not hair. Sorry about that. So yes, I NEED music when running, especially on the treadmill. And oh my god, why did I never realize that the treadmill is actually a thing of torture all those years when I was feeling jealous of people running along next to me at 24 Hour Fitness? Running outside is so much easier because there are like, landmarks that you pass. And the scenery changes. And ohmygod looking at Bo and Hope for an hour is quite difficult to do actually. What is easier on the treadmill though is controlling my pace. Treadmills have a good grip on Ron Popeil's Set It And Forget It! mentality, and I have a harder time doing that when I run outside. Total sidebar here: We just got a hand me down rotisserie (Don't worry, from my aunt, not just some random person. How gross would that be? A secondhand meat juice maker. HORK!) and the thought of being able to rotisserie my own meat brings me so much joy! And yes, I realize right in this moment that you probably think I have a small and sad life, there's no need to point it out.
Anyway, music! Music! Get back to music. So, Eminem. He is my running messiah, really. What? A drug addled rapper isn't who you would choose? That's weird. Well, frankly Eminem is really one of the only artists who can penetrate The Tunnel of Pain. And while we are discussing The Tunnel of Pain, let me tell you I could have written that essay. I NEVER hear the music at CrossFit and Garrett always hears it. Neither of us can get over the fact that the other one experiences it differently. CrossFit has made me realize that we all go to different places while being tortured. I go to The Tunnel of Pain. And unfortunately I do not pass go OR collect $200 beforehand.
So yeah, when I'm in The Tunnel, not much gets through but I can tell you this song does.
Best running song ever.
And if I was in middle school and You Tube was my binder I would circle this video with pink puffy hearts. And if I was Mark Wahlberg I would tattoo "Eminem 4 Eva" into my chest with a Bic Pen because I'm that hardcore dedicated. (Sidebar Numero Dos: Someone on the Twitter the other day mentioned "Fear" being one of those movies that they can't NOT watch if it is on TV. I wholeheartedly concur! That is one of the best most ridiculous movies you will ever watch, and if you haven't seen it please do yourself a favor and Netflix it immediately.)
So again, back to Eminem. This post needs some Ritalin.
Something about 5 minutes of Military Cadence in the background makes me grab myself by the bootstraps when I'm about to crap out and say "Quit being a wimp and press on!" Oh, and then there's the Nate Dogg factor. Nate Dogg always makes a song better. It's just science, don't argue with science. What ever happened to him, by the way? I actively miss him. All this Bruno Mars, Justin Bieber bologna makes me long for 90s Rappers like a Victorian woman longs for her fainting couch. And seriously when I hear songs like this new Matthew Morrison song (the nail in Glee's coffin) or Kim Kardashians new single it makes me want to take a bath in NWA and then douse myself with some 2 Pac. I may just put 3 hours of Eminem on repeat for The Big Day (interspersed with some Regulators, of course). Oh yeah, and you read that right, I said 3 hours. Because my goal time is right around there. And yes, I'm fully aware that many people run FULL marathons in that amount of time and all I can say about that is those people are not me.
The thought of doing anything for 3 hours still makes me shake my head.
Which brings me to the main realization that I have had: Running is like 30% Physical and 70% Mental, which does not bode well for the fact that my focus thus far has been mostly on the Physical. Why has no one thought to tell me this? No matter how rested, stretched, headbanded, and shiny I feel when I start a run, I spend the first mile bitching in my head solely because I have been taken out of my comfortable state of stasis and my poor little brain doesn't know what to make of it. It happens Every. Single. Time. Usually when I get to the second mile and the running becomes the stasis I'm a little bit better, but OOF -- that first mile is always rough.
So all of this is to say that lately my life looks like various arrangements of the following: Eat, Work, Run, CrossFit, Cook, Thank Garrett for Cleaning, Google Ron Popeil videos, Try to Enjoy Some Alone Time, Catch Some Bad Television and Sleeeeeeeeep, Glorious Sleep.
I know, I know two posts in one day -- you hardly know me anymore. I'll explain it with this complicated series of mathematical equation:
Training for a Half Marathon = Lots of running Lots of running = Lots of time with my own thoughts Time with my own thoughts = Notes to Myself = Blog Posts
So that pretty much sums it up, mmmkay?
Anyway I had a terrible run today which sucks, obviously. It doubly sucked because my run on Saturday was so awesome that I felt like I was finally getting the hang of this running thing. I was having all these grand epiphanies, feeling pretty great during the run, and fantastic afterward.
Today, however, was the pits. I was supposed to run 3 miles and only ran 1.5. When I showed up to the gym all the treadmills were taken. When I went back a second time my brain had practically given up before I even got on the damn thing.
(Sidebar: I think treadmill running is sort of equivalent to water torture, but right now it is a necessary evil so that I can fit in some training runs in during the week and not totally kill my post-work social life. And by social life, I mean time I spend CrossFitting, running errands, cooking dinner, seeing my boyfriend, oh yeah and sleeping.)
Life is wild these days, my friends.
So where was I?
Ah yes, a sucky run. My run was so sucky in fact, that it took me just as long to shower and clean up afterward as it did to actually work out. And I spent the bulk of that primp time beating myself up for having such a crappy run -- reminding myself that I would never get anywhere with a performance like that, and how the hell did I expect to be ready to run 13 miles by June if I can't run 2 without bitching out on a Tuesday afternoon?
But then do you know what I realized? I realized that I did not sign up for this half marathon to add another item to my List of Things I Feel Bad About. Oh, and Newsflash: Beating myself up is not going to make me run faster. So eff all that noise!
I've been thinking a lot about my dad lately since starting CrossFit and taking on a few more athletic endeavors. He was a great athlete and super educated about all this stuff that I am bumbling around and trying to figure out and sometimes I feel really sad that he is not around to give me advice or that I can't call him like I wanted to last night when I PR'd on my deadlift at CrossFit (255 lbs baby...Holla!) But I know he is around and supporting me, and every once in a while I can hear him clear as day. And today in that locker room was one of those times. Be where you are, he said.
Don't beat yourself up for where you aren't. Be where you are. Own it. Build on it. And you will kill it.
Yes today's run wasn't my best. But 6 months ago I made a tiny change by prioritizing fitness. 5 months ago I wouldn't have gotten up and packed my gym bag to bring to work. 4 months ago I wouldn't have gone to the gym on my lunch break. 3 months ago I wouldn't have gone back a second time when all the treadmills were full. 2 months ago I wouldn't have run on that treadmill for 25 minutes.
Had I not taken one tiny, seemingly meaningless step forward 6 months ago, I would not be where I am right now. So I am just going to be over here where I am if that's ok with you. Not feeling a damn bit guilty. And 6 months from now? Who knows where I will be.
