There are two things speaking to me from the internet this morning, and I find when the internet sends you a couple of coincidentally thematic things in a row, it is best to listen. Except, of course, when that message is "Buy expensive things you can't afford." Then I try to tune it out, but oh how that is hard! When the messages are more introspective, however, and less consumer based -- I certainly try to pay attention.
There are no coincidences, you know. Only glitches in The Matrix.
Do we need a gratuitous Keanu shot on this Wednesday morning? Yes, yes I think we do.
So the first thing I read this morning was this post on Zen and CrossFit over at The Five Tribe. Honest to god, do you know how many times I have set and arbitrary goal for myself at the gym that has no basis is fact or experience and then have been DISAPPOINTED that I didn't achieve it? Many more than I would like to admit actually, and the insanity of that is not lost on me. Not that this does not makes the disappointment go away, but since I am at least aware of it, I feel like I am not totally hopeless.
I don't know where it comes from: this desire to set goals and push relentlessly until I achieve them. It is so god damn hardwired into my brain. I know that sounds a little obnoxious on first glance -- oh, woe is me, I love to set goals and achieve them...my life is so hard! Also my diamond shoes are too tight and my money clip is just waaaaaaaay too small! Sigh. The thing is, it's not the goal setting that is so awful, it is the narrow-focused drive that it sometimes awakens inside of me that pushes for achievement just for achievement's sake. The drive to cross something off of a list, to check a box, to identify with a number, to have an experience under my belt. This is a productive flaw to have, I realize -- better than the fierce and narrow-focused drive to stay in my bed -- but it is also one that needs to be kept in check not only in the gym, but in life in order to maintain balance and sanity. Good things, both of those. Things that elude me on occasion.
I'm still working hard on trying to just Be. To show up and try hard. To realize that when I am out running, even if I am bringing up the rear, I am still lapping everyone who is at home sitting on the couch. This alone should be a victory for my demented and focused (and sometimes competitive) brain, AND YET. I find it hard to have purpose when I don't have a goal, or a drive to achieve. I fear that if I let that go, there will be nothing left to see or do. While I will never be a person who doesn't set goals any more than I will ever be a person who doesn't breathe daily I know that I can try my best to control those achievement impulses and redirect that energy to enjoying the journey. The journey itself can be enjoyable!
Let's all chant it together!
Ok, or not.
Then a few clicks later I read this little gem of a story posted by Melissa over at The Clothes Make the Girl:
There is a story of a young, but earnest Zen student who approached his teacher, and asked the Master:
“If I work very hard and diligently, how long will it take for me to find Zen? The Master thought about this, then replied, “Ten years…”
The student then said, “But what if I work very, very hard and really apply myself to learn fast — How long then?” Replied the Master, “Well, twenty years.”
“But, if I really, really work at it, how long then?” asked the student. “Thirty years,” replied the Master.
“But, I do not understand,” said the disappointed student. “At each time that I say I will work harder, you say it will take me longer. Why do you say that?”
Replied the Master, “When you have one eye on the goal, you only have one eye on the path.”
And then all of a sudden, the light bulb went off.
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I know mid year wouldn't technically be until the end of June but who wants to get technical anyway? I've made a lot of progress in some areas and just about none in others. It will be nice to have a little direction moving into the second half of the year.
Health
Lose 50 more lbs *I've lost about 80 total, not too shabby.
Run another 5K (under 35 minutes) *I've slowed down on all my running endeavors -- the back story is here. But I am still going to run a bit more before the year is out.
Run a10K
Do 10 Non-Girl Push ups *Man, I can still only do about 2. Come on upper body!
Continue Paleo Cooking/Eating *Yep, and still loving it
Sleep 8 Hours Per Night *I'm doing this 95% of the time
Travel
Visit all of the following places:
Austin *Planning on it for The Blathering in October!
Arizona
New Mexico *Done! And it was a blast!
Boston
Finances
Merge finances with Garrett
Add to Savings
Open Roth IRA
Rollover old Retirement Account
Make financial life more automated *And I'm pretty much failing this whole category.
Home Improvement
Re-do Guest Bedroom
Paint Kitchen Cabinets
Paint Living Room, Office
Re-do Master Bedroom *Failing this category too.
Random Other Stuff Thrown In For Good Measure
Find a good red lipstick *No surprises, Chanel Glossimer (Spark) is still my fave.
Buy a pair of boots
Make a Cooking Bucket List (done!)
Read 50 books *Holy hell I've already read 37
Start Fertility Charting *Yep
Entertain at least once a month (January: New Year's Brunch with Kelly + Gee, February: No one - but two in March counts, right? March: John + Janine, Jeremy + Katie April: No one May: Garrett's 30th Bday) *Pretty good on this one, I think.
Write somewhere daily *Yep, and how awesome it has been!
See one of my favorite writers speak *Planning on trying to swing David Sedaris in November
Go to the ballet
Wine Taste in Amador
All in all, I am feeling pretty good with my progress at the halfway point. Health and Random Stuff are definitely earning A's. I'd give Travel a good solid B-. Finances is currently getting an F but mostly I'm just being lazy about that. Home Improvement is definitely getting an F but this should not come as a surprise to you. We'll see what happens.
Looking forward to checking items off this list along with my Summer Bucket List and maybe a few things off of my Cooking Bucket List.
I better stop typing and get busy!
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Though we aren't doing anything super exotic, like heading to Maui which we did two summers ago, I am definitely planning on enjoying the next few months. And it just wouldn't be like me if I didn't make a To Do List to celebrate (Hot damn, I love a good list!) Yes, I am still working on my overall 2011 Goals but I'm just considering this a short term subset of that list.
Here are some ways I plan to enjoy this summer.
Adventures
Go miniature golfing with Garrett (can you believe we have never done this together?)
Hike Feather Falls (our favorite local hike. OMG, can't wait!)
Go Wine Tasting (if we hit up Amador, I can cross this off my 2011 list too. Multitasking!)
Have a picnic in the Plaza in Sonoma (Gina and Jim, consider yourself invited)
Get to San Diego to visit my cousin (Hi Jen! You are missed!)
Pack Dinner and a blanket and head to McKinley Park
Spend a weekend in Chico with my family
Go to the beach (um, and wear sunscreen!)
Have a rollerskating date with my cousin (Flashback!)
Superficial Goals (hey, we all need some)
Buy a cute new bathing suit (old ones are still cute, but no longer fit, woot!)
Find a maxi dress that doesn't look like a tent when you put it on (Help!)
Make a ridiculously delicious Paleo dessert
Cook something with Bison
Finish redesigning and migrating website (this will involve calling a professional, I'm sure)
Get over my flabby arm phobia and just buy some damn tank tops in which to work out
Get a few pedicures (for everyone else's sake. ;)
Have a dinner party in my backyard before it gets sweltering
Relaxation
Read outside as often as humanly possible
Spend an evening drinking Mai Tais and (finally!) put your Maui photos in an album
Make an effort to get 8 hours of sleep per night (so hard in the summer because it's SO DAMN HOT)
Enjoy your garden and can your little heart out when those tomatoes get overwhelming
Make Jam
Honestly, I can't wait.
What are you up to this summer?
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There are times when I think it is helpful to hold your tongue, but there are also times when I think you need to be direct and ask for what you want. Ahem...Universe, are you listening?
I want to write a book I feel proud of.
I want to work at a job that makes me feel inspired and appreciated.
I want wake up in the morning and feel excited.
I want to go to sleep feeling accomplished.
I want to feel like I have enough time. Time to relax, time to finish projects, time to learn.
I want my days to include cooking and reading and writing.
I want to feel ownership.
I want to push myself physically.
I want to work hard.
I want to take on something scary and feel confident that my best will be good enough.
I want an adventure where it all works out in the end.
I don't think this is too much to ask...do you?
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2010 was a fantastic year full of new adventures and accomplishments, but the biggest lesson I learned was that I needed to slow down a bit. In 2011 I want to focus on a few big goals and some small fun goals. My inner drill sargent thinks this list is too short, but I'm trying to listen to him a little less and keep in mind that if I get everything done, I can always make another list right?
So here's what I'm focusing on this year:
Health
Lose 50 more lbs
Run another 5K (under 35 minutes)
Run a10K
Run a Half Marathon
Do 10 Non-Girl Push ups
Continue Paleo Cooking/Eating
Sleep 8 Hours Per Night
Travel
Visit all of the following places:
Austin
Arizona
New Mexico
Boston
Seattle
Maui
Mexico
Finances
Merge finances with Garrett
Add to Savings
Open Roth IRA
Rollover old Retirement Account
Make financial life more automated
*I know you are probably snoring after this category, but I must chime in really quick and note that I made my last credit card payment yesterday and I am OFFICIALLY FREE OF ALL CREDIT CARD DEBT! So it really makes me happy to not be writing "Pay off credit cards" on this list for the first time in probably 10 years. WOOT!
Home Improvement
Re-do Guest Bedroom
Paint Kitchen Cabinets
Paint Living Room, Office
Re-do Master Bedroom
Random Other Stuff Thrown In For Good Measure
Find a good red lipstick
Buy a pair of boots
Make a Cooking Bucket List (added above)
Read 50 books
Start Fertility Charting
Entertain at least once a month
Write somewhere daily
See one of my favorite writers speak
Go to the ballet
Wine Taste in Amador
Move website to Wordpress
*****
I think it's going to be a good year.
*****
