September 06, 2006

Celebrity Parents Should Just Give Up

Dearest Dina,

Lindsay Lohan is idiot. And frankly, she is idiot spawn, so its really difficult to even blame her.

I read the article about the letter that the studio exec sent her the other day and I thought to myself...Wow, Lindsay Lohan is a total fuck up. She is getting paid millions of dollars to show up and look beautiful (which I will give her, she does nicely) and she can't even handle doing that. She is too busy being hungover, or still high, or still walking funny, or whatever, after wild nights out with her hotel-heir boyfriend, or lounging at their Malibu beach pad. I get it. Life is rough. But c'mon she should still be able to get to work on time. She doesn't have to stop at the bank to cash her welfare check on the way to work while riding the I don't know what the heck could be keeping her from showing up at like 9 or 10 am to a beach front set fully catered with fabulous craft services...since I'm pretty sure her Mercedes works just fine. (Well, then again it might be in the shop because another dangerous papparazzo hit it, but then I'm guessing she could probably borrow Harry Morton's Rover, or one of the many Benzos that she has purchased for your mooch ass).

So then I read, and saw you come out and say that the studio exec is a BIG MEANIE! How can he say such harsh words to your baby...she's just a little girl. Interesting word choice. I think just a few weeks ago we were all watching you "little girl" leave her teen years behind, celebrate her 20th birthday drinking champagne on a yacht, and oh yeah...give head to some random guy in a fucking rowboat. Mrs. Lohan (it is Mrs, right? I mean technically you are still married to that imprisoned drug addict right??) I hate to say it, but your little baby bumpkin is hittin the skids...I mean little girl she's not. She's definitely going to NEED botox in the next 5 years or else the years of 24-7 tanning booths might start rearing their ugly needless to say I think "little girl" is not the set of words that anyone with any brains might choose to use while describing her.

Oh wait, but on top of all that ridiculousness, your pathetic excuse making goes even further. Not only is your little baby a classy hard worker, but she was "stricken with exhaustion, and dehydrated." Oooooooooooooooooh, is that all???? Well maybe she should get some effing sleep and drink some water. And while she's at it, maybe we can wrap her up in her blankie and burp her after every meal at Koi. PUHLEEZ!!! Lindsay has now been hospitalized for "exhaustion or dehydration" at least 3 times that my good friends at UsWeekly have informed me of, and at only the tender age of 20??? What next? Why don't you just admit that your "little girl" has been doing some crank heavy-E, and she is just too busy grinding her teeth on set to ask for a glass of Evian? What are you going to tell everyone when she gets send off to Promises Malibu for dippin a little too heavy into the nose candy? That she's going to fat camp??? Well at least that one will be believable!!! Instead of being honest, we have to hear you re-hash the tragedy of "bronchial asthma" OVER AND OVER....thanks Dina, we get it. But frankly, I'm just sick of it. Sick of hearing the remedial spin-doctoring that your little pea sized, post-Rockette fame, celebri-mom brain can come up with for explaining away why your daughter is a ho.

Yes that's right, your daughter is a ho! And frankly, a waste of oxygen...and we all know that clean air is a precious commodity in smog stricken LA. I suggesst suicide. But then, hey--to each his own.

Warmest Regards!

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