GrrAnimals for Ants

A funny thing happened with my underwear today and I thought the internet needed to know about it. I mean, you would totally be doing the same thing right now had this happened to you, and this was your blog I just know it. It would be a No-brainer.

Anyway -- like many American women, I have a MAJOR obsession with Target, that dirty minx. I've spoken about it here, read about it there, and generally can't get through my week without finding some ridiculous reason that I NEED. TO. GO. IMMEDIATELY. And this past Saturday, that reason was underwear.

(Ok and perhaps a shirt, and a necklace, and a pair of shorts, and a pair of pants for Garrett, and generic Fruity Pebbles, and perhaps a magazine or two, but frankly I don't think that's any of your business)

Now don't get all squeamish, I didn't IMMEDIATELY need underwear or anything, it wasn't like that, but something about an impending vacation made me feel like a few new underthings might just actually make the whole "packing" process bearable, so to the red bullseye I went, and promptly picked out some very cute but very sensible Hanes Her Way bikini briefs. I hate that word "briefs" by the way, but it's certainly better than "panties" (shudder) so it will have to do.

Anyway, last night I went to throw them in the washer and I was shocked with what I found when I pulled them out of their package "What are these underwear FOR ANTS?" I said to myself, and then I realized that they were wrapped around a WARNING! insert, that basically said -- and I'm just paraphrasing here -- but something to the effect of: Yeah, these undies look hella small, but you bought the right size and they will fit. This is a special microfiber material that stretches to the size of YOUR ass, yes even your ass, so just tumble dry low, mmmkay?

Following said instructions, I washed and dried my barbie doll underwear, and when I pulled them out, they looked like this when I layed them out on A PLACEMAT:

Oh, does that not look so small to you? Because I understand that my chubby little hands are not the scale to which one usually reaches when looking to illustrate "small," so this picture may not make you fully understand the midge-factor of these underpants. But let me put it to you this way, even though that hand is fat, do you think there is any way in the world that this hand could eclipse the entirety that is an ass? I mean am I right? Right. Moving on.

So just to drive this point on home I thought I would show you my new bun-warmers next to a 16 oz. container of cottage cheese (with pineapple! yum!) And yes, I do see the irony of comparing something that covers my ass to cottage cheese, and no I don't need you to rack your brain for a snarky comment. It was pretty much all I had in the way of food-in-comparable-sized-containers available aside from the can of French Fried Onions in the cupboard and I seriously wasn't about to let the internet know that I have some of those.

Whoops.

Anyway, like I was saying, the cottage cheese:

Now, really. Really? Cottage Cheese Sized Underwear? WTF?

Although to my absolute shock and delight, the stretch-factor of these underwear is an 11 out of 10, so miraculously these not only fit but stayed put the entire day! I was surprised to find that the Hanes Her Way Warning was in fact telling the truth, and I would not have to return undies to Target which always makes my nose crinkle and makes me feel a little skeevy.

But I'm just telling you right now, if Hanes comes out with a Yoplait sized bra, that's where I'm drawing the line.