I have to travel a fair amount for work for these seminars that my company puts on in different parts of the state. I play hostess the entire time and because I have been doing it for a couple years now, I have noticed a pattern. Every single time I go through the same phases. It is usually a 4 day/3 night affair and it doesn't matter if it is Las Vegas or Los Angeles, it always shakes out a bit like this:
Day One -- Okay Holly, you can do it! Flying is not all that scary. Just hold on. Distract yourself. Read all 17 of those magazines that you justified buying in the airport because you were "travelling". ZOMG! are (insert celebrity) and (insert celebrity) really breaking up???
Night One -- Woo hoo! Hotel bed all to myself. I'm taking a bubble bath! Reading my new book! Grabbing something totally unreedeming for dinner! Yes! A GIANT KING SIZE BED, and all to myself? MWAHAHAHAHAHA
Day Two -- What the hell, why am I up at 4am? Where am I? Oh, right. God, why is hotel coffee never good? You know what is good though? My mad hosting skillz, yo! Am the best hostess EVAR! Everyone put on your best happy face. I'm the smiliest person you will ever meet. If you aren't enjoying yourself, talk to me -- I can fix it! And I do it with a smile. Woo!
Night Two -- Jesus, that was exhausting. I wonder where I can go and just frown for a few hours. My face hurts. Man, do I have eat out again? Holy hell room service is expensive, yes, you have to eat out again. So it's about 7pm, this hotel room sure is getting old. I miss Garrett. Maybe there's something good on TV? Hmm...Hannah Montana? Shrek? The News? Oh, The News again? Gee, something in Spanish? Something else in Spanish? Why the hell don't any hotel rooms have Bravo, MTV, or The Food Network. DUUUUDE. Ok, maybe I'll read.
Day Three -- What the hell, why am I up at 4am again? This does not bode well in the long term. ACK, seriously? Hotel coffee? Kick it up a notch, will ya? Ok, day two of hosting will be fine, but seriously, my face hurts from all the smiling yesterday. Attitude for day two -- Yes, you can still come to me if you aren't enjoying yourself, but seriously, if you are going to give me a ten minute diatribe about why you can't use a blue highlighter and need ONLY a pink highlighter, today I may not be so patient. Hmmm, I wonder what Garrett is up to?
Night Three -- Ok, I can't take one more night of this hotel room. Tonight, I must go out! Good thing I know someone in this town or I might have slit my wrists in the dirty ass bathtub by this point. And what is it with hotels NEVER having enough hot water. Seriously, the only thing worse than a luke warm shower at 4 am, is a luke warm bath after a long day. NOTHX. And I guess I can eat out one more night. Maybe tonight I will find something healthy. All I have to do is get through tonight and tomorrow I'm OUTTA THIS JOINT! Finally, home to my house and my man!
Day Four -- What the hell, why am I up at 4am -- oh wait, I'm up so I can pack my stuff. Wooo, I'm going home today! Good riddance, because I'm over this giant lonely bed. And if I have to eat one more restaurant meal, or hotel catered lunch, or breakfast from Starbucks, I really might just die. Home Cooking: It's What's For Dinner. Thank God. Why, hello airport, we meet again. It's nice to catch up on all 17 magazines I purchased (Yes, in addition to the 17 I purchased on the way down. Um, because I'm travelling, remember! I mean, hello, I will be on the plane at least 60 whole minutes, right?)
WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY PLANE HAS BEEN DELAYED?!?!?!?!?!!?
And that, my friends, is why I am not cut out for a career in travel. You know, unless I can bring my man and it is to a city that doesn't consider Joe's Crab Shack a "good seafood restaurant".