March 25, 2010

Clear As Mud

Last night I felt beat up after a long day and when I pulled in the driveway there was a cat in my front yard that proceeded to stare me down and give me the evil eye the entire time it was taking a giant dump on my lawn. It then got up and walked away as it wagged its victorious tail at me and I laughed thinking that it was just such a fitting metaphor for how I felt. A bit of The Anxiety has been creeping into my life lately. I have had some confusing things to think about and impending big decisions that will ultimately need to me made, and yes I know I’m being Vaguey McVaguerson at this point, but trust me when I tell you that the specifics don’t really matter. What matters is how do you know when you are making The Right Decision?

That’s kind of a stupid question I realize, because I firmly subscribe to the philosophy that there is no Right or Wrong - but I’m still stewing on it. Actually Amber  tweeted something the other day that pretty much summed up my feeling about the illusion that is "right and wrong" or "good and bad", for that matter.

Behold! Twitter wisdom:

I find this so true when you think about it!  Everything is relative.  Hell, just call me Einstein. Something that was devastating and awful at one point in life may later be fruitful in a way that you never imagined. The universe has a funny way of working in that manner I’ve learned, so I generally try to make difficult times a springboard for growth and appreciate that I may not have ever encountered that opportunity had the difficult time never come about. And while I really do feel like things always end up working out in the end if you have the right attitude (whether it happened the way I wanted it to, or the way I thought it should) I still struggle A LOT what the hell to do in the meantime? What do you do when that anxiety creeps in and you feel like you are standing at a fork in the road? You know things will work out no matter what path you choose because you are capable and can make the best of any situations, but you are still not exactly sure which road to take.  That, is a confusing moment.   

Henry David Thoreau is always quoted as saying “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams,” and there are times in life when this is so black and white that I have no problem putting my confident face on and getting moving. But it is those times when I’m not sure if it’s my own dreams that I am chasing or the dreams other people have for me. How does one know that they are in possession of a dream that should be pursued with confidence?  Where is the instruction manual?  I have tried to google it to no avail!  Because the problem is sometimes I dream of living on an artists’ commune, sometimes I dream of having 5 children and home-schooling all of them, sometimes I dream of having a corner office, sometimes I dream of travelling the world alone and speaking only to strangers, and sometimes I dream of taking a really long nap. Which dream is the right dream? I know having clarity makes all decisions easier, but how does one get clarity?

How do you make difficult decisions?


Emily said...

I wonder if the answer to any of your questions is actually held within the cat shitting metaphor, which captured your full attention as you pulled in the driveway last night.

You own the space you are in - exactly where you are in this moment.

You stare it in the eye, and any other who cares to make eye contact with you, like it's yours to do what you want with.

You do your business. You do that thing that remains standing when all the voices of others and judgement and "shoulds" are hushed. For the cat, it's uncomplicated. It's raw. It's obvious. It does its business.

And then when it feels like you are ready to move on - your business is done, or in the case, the cat is done shitting, you get up - victoriously wagging your tail.

..... or maybe it was just a cat shitting in your lawn. lol

Thanks for putting words to the exact questions so many of us have!

Meredith from PenelopeLovesLists said...

I can't agree more: I know, for me, the times in my life that, at the time, felt the worst, turned out to be the most positively lifechanging.

I didn't plan to get pregnant at 20, but I'm so glad to have my daughter. And so on...

I have always felt that the time of indecision is so much more stressful than just picking some direction and going for it.

What do I do? This is a shocker - I make lists. Pros and cons, worst case scenarios, the gamut.

At some point, my gut tells me what to do.

Here's to your gut getting loud and clear.

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