At my CrossFit gym we track our PRs monthly. Although I am a super anal list maker (you’re shocked, I know) and OF COURSE track all of my workouts, progress and my actual Personal Records -- I like to make up superficial PRs for myself too. It’s more fun that way. In June, for example, my PR was Wearing a Tank Top While Being Anywhere Other Than My House. You all know how I feel about this, this was a LEGIT PR. Maybe next month’s PR will be wearing shorts. Yes, that’s right; I’m totally anti-shorts at the gym. Not on YOU, of course, on me. So August, maybe? To be determined. But what I really want to tell you about July’s Superficial PR, because when it finally all came together I was ready to do my best impersonation of this.
Let's start at the beginning. We generally we do all of our running outside at the gym. There are predetermined routes and the 400m, 800m, and 1600m routes all involve running on a busy street in town for a short period of time. It doesn’t bother me at all to run out in the middle of traffic for a short distance (there is a sidewalk and you are always running with others) but as you can imagine, running down a busy street during rush hour frequently involves some kind of cat-calling. Do you wonder if anyone has ever successfully made a love connection by hooting and hollering at someone on the street? Because these are the things I wonder about when I’m running and some underage gentleman sitting shotgun in a shiny purple low-riding Oldsmobile hollers that I have a nice ass. Thank you, kind sir! BUT WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH WITH THAT COMMENT?
The other thing I wonder about: rickshaws.
Yep, those kind of rickshaws.
You see, during a run the other night as my entire group ambled down the street we passed a homeless man riding on a rickshaw – which frankly, is notable enough in itself. End of story. I mean, if someone told me I had to procure a rickshaw immediately as a part of some game show like challenge that all of a sudden just happened to fall in my lap, I would be stumped. I really would have no idea where to start. So I got to wondering: where does a person with more limited resources find a rickshaw? Was it just strewn about? Did he save up for it? Did someone put their old rickshaw out on the curb in hopes that it would make its way to a good home? I mean, it’s kind of brilliant when you think about it. It's a parasol on wheels!
Anyway, I digress.
So obviously I was thinking this gentleman was fairly brilliant, you know right up until he smacked his lips together and told me that I had very nice thighs, and might I perchance, take a moment to wrap them around him? In slightly different words, of course. I mean, I guess there’s no harm in asking, but since my boyfriend was running right next to me, the odds were unfortunately not in his favor. Awkward. I declined (OBVIOUSLY) and ran on my merry way thinking about rickshaws and resourcefulness and what my life would be like if a game show like challenge automatically appeared, but mostly I put the incident out of my mind until I was at Target the other day.
I was looking for a pair of black capris and if you can believe it (I CAN'T!) there were nary a pair in the entire Target clothing section! Not even in the juniors section where they sell things in impossible sizes like 3s or 11s! (So weird.) But lo and behold I found a pair of very darling, Audrey-Hepburn-esque slim-fitting, ankle-length pants. I'm trying to think of one more hyphenated adjective to throw in there for emphasis but I'm at a loss. Some combination of crazy and desperation made me feel like trying them on, and surprisingly they were mostly adorable. But they were also snugger in the thigh than I am generally comfortable with. Remember I do not have tiny thighs, I am chip off the old block as it were, and the old block was a defensive lineman in the NFL. No gap between the thighs for me! Now imagine those thighs in skinny Audrey Hepburn pants and you will realize the conundrum I was in standing alone in the Target dressing room.
WHAT SHOULD I DO??? I mean, the hand-wringing, you know?
And then – like a voice from the heavens, I heard my little rickshaw friend validate how delightful looking my thighs truly are. And if he could love them, I COULD LOVE THEM! And with a self-help hug to my pride, I told those Super hot Audrey Hepburn pants to GET IN MY CART IMMEDIATELY! And those Super hot Audrey Hepburn pants now live in my closet thanks to a homeless man riding in a rickshaw.
And if we can agree on nothing else, I think we can all agree this is my Superficial July PR, no?