What I Want vs. What I Got (It's like dueling banjos up in here!)

*I hope this post title did not get either of the two annoying songs in your head that I now have in my head.  My fingers are crossed.

What I want:

• An unlimited Gift Card to Burpee
• A weekend out of town
• The Day Off
• Sushi Delivery  for lunch
• A Giant Pool and a Grotto to come home to tonight
• Cocktails to have by said pool
• A beautifully catered dinner on our lounge chairs by the pool

What I've Got:

• Plenty of time to save for the stuff I want to plant in Fall
• A weekend that includes pickling, reading, and wine-tasting
• Hey, at least today is Friday
• Homemade Chili for lunch, and that is free, yo!  (sort of)
• The second set of landscapers coming by this afternoon to address our front and back yard.  No Porno Pool planned, but I am getting an Extreme Garden Makeover (yay!)
• There is champagne in the fridge for when I get home from the gym tonight
• Tandoori Chicken is in the fridge marinating, and I will happily (and let's be real, probably sweatily since I will be post-gym) chow down on it on my couch with Garrett.

All in all, things aren't exactly perfect, but on this Friday they are looking pretty good from where I am sitting.

August 23, 1998

I will type this date over and over again today.


August 23rd.


It is a normal Monday around here, there is nothing particularly notable happening. I will go to work, I will see some friends. I will hit the gym and cook dinner. I will take a long hot shower at the end of a full and productive day and although it will certainly feel relaxing it will never wash away the memory of this day 12 years ago.


The memory of my father sitting outside by the pool in his blue t-shirt and shorts, breathing in the fresh air pondering why he felt under the weather. The way he walked into the house with a look of fear on his face. The way his 6’4 frame crumpled to the ground quicker than my brain could process what was going on, the way the hue of his lips and face changed almost instantly and began to match his clothing.

*

Panic in the abstract it seems like it would be this quick heart palpitating adrenaline rush, but in real life, though panic does lights the fire, it is a slow, steady and painful burn. Time stops when you evaluate the fact that there is a person at your feet who isn’t breathing. The seconds tick by as your protector becomes the person who needs to be protected. You assume this new role with every fearful breath your own body takes. Emergency calls are placed but it’s like talking underwater -- these words that are coming out of your mouth are unrecognizable, you hear them, but they can’t be yours. This can’t actually be happening. In seconds there are strangers in your home, someone else is in charge. There are needles on the ground, sinking into the carpet. There is nothing quick about panic -- time actually seems to be moving in slow motion, so much so that you become aware of everything. The smells and the thickness of the air become overwhelming, but the more you breathe, the more you are reminded that not everyone is so lucky.

*
 Being told my father was gone in a bright white hospital that had sunshine busting through every single window was like a joke with the most offensive punch line. His heart stopped, there was nothing else we could do.  They call Time of Death and it feels like a bad television show.  I look at the clock and recognize it as the same clocks from elementary school.  I wonder if they all order from the same catalog.  I am clinging to anything familiar.  We sat side by side, my mom and I, in a sad little office in leathery uncomfortable chairs as we listened to the doctor.  Here is a pamphlet that explains what happens next.  I feel sad for whoever has to write those pamphlets.  Knowing their work is going to reach people when they are at their worst.  It's thankless.  The hospital will store the body until you can make funeral arrangements, do you know who you are going to call?


The body.


I wonder how they can call him a body while my mom crumples beside me, the second crumpling parent I’ve seen today. It is freezing and I am overwhelmed by the smell of chemicals. I am 19 with my whole life ahead of me, yet I can't even fathom what life will look like anymore in this moment. Do people often know who they are going to call in these situations? I can’t imagine people carrying around funeral home information in their purse, but maybe I am wrong.


Though I would like to believe I am, and have spent hours trying to convince others, I am not an adult. And today, I finally realize that. Today I woke up as a child, but that chapter has been slammed shut without my consent and all of that is now changing. You cannot remain a child when you have to leave one third of your family in this cold, dead environment, knowing that you will never see him again.  You cannot remain a child once you have experienced this kind of loss. 


How do you go back to the house that is filled with him – with his warmth and his laughter, with his hamper full of just worn clothes and his pillow that still smelling like him? What do you do with his cologne on the bathroom counter, the one’s he let you pick out because you were his little girl and he always wanted your opinion? How do you look at his handwriting all over notes that he has left to you and left to himself? Notes that were once reminders and are now some of the only reminders left.


How does one do this at the age of 19?

*

For starters she puts her mother back in the car and drives her back home to the house. She puts one foot in front of the other and picks up the one remaining needle on the living room floor. She stops to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation and to cry at the devastation. She gives hugs and gets angry. She protects her memories as she falls off to sleep each night. She sees family and sees friends. Eventually she goes back to work. She hits the gym and she cooks dinner. She takes long, hot showers at the end of productive days.


But twelve years later, she still wakes up and can’t believe that he is gone.

Ask And You Shall Receive

Wasn't I just bitching that I wanted some inspirational resources about improving my writing?  I opened my Reader this morning and found this:  60 Tips to Improve Your Non Fiction Writing

I've been dying to get back to doing some yoga and today's Deal Ticket and Living Social Deal were both Yoga-centric.  (Though neither really worked out for me, I thought it was kind of a coincidence!)

Lately I've been trying to sell Garrett on the idea of getting bikes.  Not fancy bikes, just fun bikes -- we LOVE riding bikes yet we don't actually own bikes and I just think that's ridiculous, hence my prodding.  Today, I got an email from my old roommate that she is sending her old mountain bike up with her brother who is coming into town and he's going to drop it off at my house!  Hooray for giving away stuff you aren't using!  

Wanna join our bike gang?  We are pretty fierce?

(This picture is actually a picture from a biking wine tour with friends and family in Sonoma and while I'm doing some asking I'd just like to say right now, Universe, that I'd like another one of those, ok?)

I've been having a bit of wanderlust but bemoaning the fact that everything costs SO! MUCH! MONEY! but it turns out I have to do a bit of traveling for work and Garrett and I may turn that into a long weekend in Yosemite.  Also we are trying to plan sometime to go see his parents who live in New Mexico and all of a sudden it hit me -- Southwest Roadtrip, maybe?  A car rental, overnights with friends, and some downtime with parentals sound like a pretty affordable getaway, no?  Plus I keep forgetting that I am going to Chicago in November!  Well, not really forgetting, but now that it's getting closer it just seems so exciting!  Wanderlust, I will tame you.   

It feels so nice when things in life just align, you know?  Just wanted to take a minute to document my gratitude!

And of course brainstorm for some badass things to ask for -- what do you wish the Universe would drop in your lap?

Monday Musings

*I got up this morning and tried on a pair of jeans that used to be snug.  They fit!  And their pockets contained money, coffee coupons, and lip gloss.  HELLO, Best! Monday! Ever!

*I'm reading like a maniac right now and pretty much want to kiss my library on the mouth.  Granted, Elizabeth is laughing at my when I say that I'm sure, but for me -- Maniacal Reading!   Have you read anything life changing lately?  What's on your list to-read?  I must continue to obsessively add to my HOLD list at the library -- help a girl out! 

*While my reading is getting better, my writing is actually getting worse.  Lately I feel like my writing has gotten super lazy.  I actually felt embarrassed reading this article because it made me feel like a walking "DON'T" straight out of the pages of Glamour magazine...but you know, for writers.   I need to fix that.  Maybe a book?  Or writing workshop?  Any advice/ideas are welcome.  What do you do to get out of a writing rut?  I need to do something about it. 

*Um, this post is not it.   :) 

*Speaking of Glamour, I hate that magazine and it still comes to my house every month as a sad publisher replacement for my Domino subscription and I HATE HATE HATE IT AND WHEN WILL IT END??? It immediately goes into the recycling bin every time I get it.   

*I have spent the last two weeks not eating sugar, flour, wheat, dairy and at the risk of sounding cliche (here come those lazy writing skills again) it has TOTALLY CHANGED MY LIFE.  And also, I lost 12 pounds!  Unintentionally.  I didn't give up all those things for weight loss, that was just a happy side effect.   I can't even wrap my brain around all of it so I'm going to put it down on paper over at Bodies in Motivation this week.  In case you missed my most recent post (that is totally not about the last 2 crazy weeks) head over and check it out and answer my question, would ya?

*I went back to the gym this weekend after a pretty long hiatus (I've been struggling with some Plantar Fasciitis pain in my left foot and taking it easy) and sweet baby jesus my whole body is so sore it is ridiculous.  I hate this feeling.  Wearing a bra hurts.  Not putting on the bra, though that hurts too, but actually wearing it, doing nothing, just sitting -- HURTS.  It hurts to sit, it hurts to stand, it hurts to go from sitting to standing and I'm pretty sure everyone around me is sick of the 48 chorus I've been repeating of "OHMYGOD - ow!"  It's a pretty pathetic sight, actually.  I'm thinking maybe this will force me back into Hot Yoga for some serious streeeeeetching.  A new studio opened up right by my house and I kind of want to check it out.  We'll see....

What's new with you, peeps?

August Goals

This is one of those times when having a blog makes me feel a little bit self conscious.  Because life right now?  Is kind of a snore.  But it is a delicious snore, I promise, and it is very much by design. 

You see July was a huge month for me.  I got back on the list making bandwagon set out to acheive a million things, and ended up doing quite a few.  While I was making that list last month I sort of forgot that there would be other things going on besides just Getting Stuff Done.  I do that sometimes, some call it having unrealistic expectations, I call it hoping for the best!  But there were definitely other things going on:  things like happy hours, wine nights, birthday parties, baby showers, time with family, small dinners at home --  Wonderful things!  But still things, you know?  Things that take time.  And energy.

And also while I was making that list last month I sort of forgot this one thing about myself, and it is the thing that I am perpetually forgetting when someone mentions cocktails, or a night out, or a party, or a new restaurant that we should try, or a weekend trip, or a good show at one of my favorite bars -- I Love To Be Alone.  I am a pretty outgoing person, I'm very much on the go by choice, so much so that I have to sometimes have to remind Garrett that I like being alone and he just gives me that raised eyebrow look that says you can't bullshit a bullshitter.  But it's true.  I love it.  I absolutely love being alone.

And sometimes I feel like I should whisper that.  Like it's a character flaw.

But the truth is, carving out alone time for myself has become harder and harder over the past few years.  I've met wonderful people, I've managed to find a partner who makes me swoon, I've moved in with him, my family is all finally all relatively close together -- there is so much abundance!  But sometimes amidst all that abundance I forget to carve out the time for my own recharging.  It's this fatal flaw that I have and I want to be better about it.  This week I have done a few things in pursuit of that recharge.  

The other night when Garrett was working late I had a 4 hour stretch of luxurious time to myself.  I beer-braised a chicken, roasted some vegetables, I organized my kitchen,  wrote in my journal, I did some laundry, I blasted the stereo, I made a pillow fort on my couch and watched Friday Night Lights.  I spent a good chunk of time just being, not trying to do something, produce something, read something on the internet, respond to something, email someone, call someone -- none of it.  I just did exactly what I felt like.  I collapsed into my bed later that night refreshed and ready to take on the week.

Yesterday I took the day off of work for absolutely no reason.  A Mental Health Day, I told my boss -- and that's just what it was.  I slept in.  Ate a leisurely breakfast.  Opened all the windows and doors in my house and drank coffee with a Delta Breeze blowing through the house that felt way more autumn than summer. I went to Target.  I went to the library.  I napped.  I read.  I didn't take the day off for any particular reason exept to do exactly what I felt like when I felt like it. 

And although these things were necessary and rejuvinating and decadent -- I fully acknowledge that they aren't super blog-worthy.  I didn't spend the last week at a conference, meeting people I felt like I already knew.  I wasn't having life changing experiences over fancy meals or breathtaking views.  I wasn't taking a trip, I wasn't crossing things off my Life List.  I wasn't taking gorgeous photographs of even more gorgeous writers.   I was just here.  Being myself.  Being quiet.  Honoring a part of me that doesn't get to the front of the line that often.  And honestly it was as rejuvenating as if I had been on the trip of a lifetime.  With less unpacking!  And I want more of that feeling.  And I think this August, I'm going to make that happen.  

July: Revisited

So I probably should have posted this, you know, on the first of the month but I like to think my lagging is more of a representation on how I'm going to treat August -- and that is being lazy.  It's last month of summer, and since the weather has been so fantastic (I can't even believe I am saying that) I want to enjoy that. Sure I will have goals (which I will probably post, you know, sometime) but I am definitely going to do a little more relaxing because man July was a busy one! Along with a 30th birthday extravaganza in Chico, a baby shower here in town, and a number of extra curricular work related things, I also managed to put a few other things on my list. 

 Here were my intentions for July, and in blue how I actually measured up:

 Health and Wellness

*Make Appointment with Naturopathic Doctor - Done! And I actually went to that appointment and it was awesome. I'll have to tell you about it.
*Make Appointment with Dermatologist to get skin checked - Done! Though I have a follow up appointment (eek!) because there were some "irregularities." That word sucks.
*Workout 15 times - I did not do this. And, um, let's just leave it at that for now :)
*Get Haircut - I also did not do this. I don't know what my mental block is with stupid haircuts, it takes me forever to make an appointment!
*Get Pedicure (Trust me, this counts as Wellness! haha) Oh HELL YES, and my "A Good Mandarin is Hard to Find" toenails thank me for it.


Relationships

*Plan a Date Night Outing with Garrett - We sort of did this.  Actually, I have a whole post brewing in my head about how I feel about "date night" and those expectations.   
*Cook Dinner for Family or Friends at least twice - Yes!  I cooked a Surf and Turf extravaganza for my mom's birthday, and I did some cooking for Garrett and his uncles one weekend, and my mom and I had a girls weekend where we made some fun dinners.  Good cooking all around, this month. 
*Think of a thoughtful, creative present for my Mom's Birthday - I think I did that, you should ask my mom.  :)
*Have a Girls Night Out! - Well my official Girls Night Out was postponed, but my mom and I did have a girls weekend, so I think that counts!


Cooking and Baking


*Make Jam - Done!  And it was awful, or I totally would have blogged it.  I tried my hand at Nectarine Raspberry Freezer Jam, and although it was okay, I can officially say I hate Freezer Jam. 
*Meal Plan for the next 4 weeks - Done. 


Intellectual Pursuits

*Read and Review 4 books (on the blog or Goodreads) - Done! Are you on Goodreads?  Why are we not friends?
*Submit one piece of writing to a website that is not your own - Hey, did you hear?  I'm writing for Bodies In Motivation now.   

Career
I postponed all of this until August


*Finish Coursework for 2nd Exam of Insurance Designation
*Schedule 2nd Exam
*Purchase Materials for 3rd Exam


Home


*Paint Guest Bedroom - Nope.
*Clean Out Closet - Yep.
*Do a Goodwill Run  - Yep.
*Narrow Down Options for Landscape Contractors - Yep. 


Money and Budget


*Try (really I mean it, honestly, try) to keep grocery budget under $400 - Uh, to be revisited.  But mostly No, I did not keep our grocery budget under $400. 
*Revise Our Monthly Budget  - Also to be revisited another time


I have to say I feel pretty good overall.  I may have set my expectations pretty high as far as things to accomplish, but that definitely motivated me.  August is going to include a little more relaxing, but still a number of new and exciting things.  I'm looking forward to it!

Check!

So, remember how I mentioned one of my July Goals was to submit a piece of writing to a website other than my own? Well, just under the gun, I'm happy to announce that I'm going to be checking that one off the list!  I will be writing over at Bodies in Motivation regularly and sharing my health and fitness journey over there, and I'm really excited to be getting back to prioritizing my own health.  

My first post is up today and I'd love it if you came by and said hi.  It feels pretty personal just letting all this stuff hang out, but Bodies has been a great source of inspiration for me on my own quest to be my best self, so I'm hoping that maybe my journey can help inspire someone else to explore what their own plan for their health is. 

Hope you guys like it!

What's For Dinner?

The day has just begun and I'm already hungry :)

I Am Too Old For This $h!t...

You are only as young as you feel and all that, and this post is in no way me declaring my old lady-ness, but lately I have realized that there are some things that I used to love or be very involved in that I just can no longer get behind.  Here is the abbreviated list:

• Friday thru Sunday weekend trips that involve flying (unless it is for something Super BADASS, of course)
• Trying to connect with people who can't put their cell phones down
• Weeknight shows that are in San Francisco when I have to work the next day
• Picking up my life and starting over in a different city without a SIGNIFICANT raise in pay
• Girl Drama

(RIP cute and perky Lindsay...)

• Moving every year
• Dying my hair (oh the bad hair color I have sported!)
• Starting a night out at 10 pm
• Piercings in places other than my ears
• Passive Agressive Facebook/Twitter Statuses

(Although regular Passive Aggressive Notes still make me laugh...)

What are you too old for???

My Secret Addiction

This month has been crazy -- filled with productivity, action, and meaningful long term planning.  I've been sitting at the computer a little less and doing a little more.  I'm not ready to say I am kicking ass and taking names on my July To Do List but I will say that I am getting there and definitely everything I have chosen to do this month has been a conscious choice, which has been AWESOME! Something about being choosy with how you spend your time makes life seem a lot less stressful and a lot more under control.  (Most of you are probably shouting "DUH!" at your computer screens right now.  I know.) But can I tell you what is totally out of control this month?  Our magazine subscriptions!  (And here's a confession:  I just subscribed to 2 more TODAY!  OMG what was I thinking.)  I'm not really sure what to do about it.  In some ways it is so easy, in others it is so overwhelming. 

How many magazines do you subscribe to? 

These are the magazines that make their way to our mailbox every month:

Cooking Light - This is a monthly staple that I just love getting.  It inpires meals every month and they usually have a few articles I'm interested in peppered throughout.  I know I could mostly get these recipes online but I love flipping through cooking magazines on Sunday when I meal plan.  Sitting at the computer is just NOT the same.  Plus, I got a year of it for $5 on Amazon at Christmas.

Real Simple - Great articles, great recipes, great home stuff -- I find this magazine to be lifestyle eye candy.  and again, I got it for $5 a year on Amazon at Christmas, so it definitely has paid for itself, even if I don't read every page of every issue.

Rachael Ray - I'm on Team Rachael Ray, feel free to judge me, and I love her magazine!  Recipes are usually fairly simple, lots of fun cooking and travel articles.  It's just always a fun (and quick read) and usually a few pages end up dog-eared for that Sunday night meal planning session.  This would probably be the first "cooking" magazine I would cut, but dammit, I DON'T WANT TO!

Fitness - I don't know why I still get this.  I'm not sure I have ever paid for, renewed, or requested this magazine, yet it keeps  coming to my mailbox.  I think the exercises are always a bit weak sauce, and the "health" articles always seem a bit gimmiky and advertiser driven (well, more obvious than most magazines I mean) but some of the recipes are fun and it can be good inpiration to shake up my workout at times.  I don't love it, but I still get it.  

Vanity Fair - some of the best and intriguing magazine articles aroun -- and usually they are about stuff I never even knew I wanted to know about.  Plus celebrities!  I mean, this tickles both the intellectual and superficial side of my brain and I kind of love it.  I don't really want to give it up, plus I recycle it when I'm done with it and pass it on to my mom, so it's also my good deed for the month. (right?)

The New Yorker - I have wanted a subscription to The New Yorker for ages and finally this Christmas I bought myself one.  It was $35 on Amazon around Christmas and I thought to myself, hell, I buy at least 6 issues a year (and they are painfully almost $6) so this pays for itself.  AND DAMN IT, I'M WORTH IT!  The only issue (haha, "issue"  See what I did there?  Ok, sorry) is that it is an incredibly dense magazine and it comes EVERY WEEK.  So it's a lot of reading, and truth be told, I don't read every issue from cover to cover but it is also one of the magazines that both Garrett and I like to read.  As long as I keep that price locked in, this one's a keeper. 

Sunset - I can't get enough of this magazine and it is one of the only magazines that I pretty much start reading on the way back from the mailbox and don't put it down until it's done.  I am always cutting out inpirations for decor, vacations, recipes.  So damn useful!  This mag is a MUST.  The funniest part of this magazine is that I never used to read until Garrett's mom got him a subscription to it for Christmas one year (it's tradition that she buys him a new magazine each year and they are always thoughtful interesting choices.)   

Organic Gardening - This year's subscription from Garrett's mom.  A magazine I probably would not have chosen myself, yet I adore all the great info in it! It's slightly above my skillset but it gives me something to aspire to. 

California Country - Complimentary magazine for being a California Farm Bureau member.  Great articles about the local agricultural economy, recipes, and fun facts.   

Glamour - All I can say about this magazine is how much I hate it and how it fills me with rage every month that it shows up in my mailbox.  I used to subscribe to Domino (RIP! Sob!) and when it went under I got this stupid, dumb, stupid, dumb magazine as a replacement.  BECAUSE THEY ARE SO SIMILAR.  ugh.  It reminds me on the regular how much I miss Domino.  Can't wait until this runs out. 

Popular Mechanics - Another $5 Amazon Holiday deal (if you haven't noticed yet, December -- great month to stock up on the magazine subscriptions.  Best kept secret, I tell ya!)  I don't really read this but Garrett does and he enjoys it. 

Via - Yes this is the free AAA magazine, but you guys it is so fun to read!  Before Garrett and I lived together I would steal this from him every issue.  Now that we are roomies, I still savor the benefits!

So this alone, is quite a long list  (And it doesn't include the free mags we end up getting from Costco, Charles Schwab, The Fed, and some other weird finance-y publication that I can't remember.  Obvs, I don't read it.)  It's kind of a ginormous list, actually, now that I type it all out.  But seriously the difference in price for subscribing vs. buying a few issues a year is practically negligable and in some cases ($5 Amazon deals) impossible to pass up!  So I don't really feel guilty about it so much as I feel well...just RIDICULOUS.  And then today I added two new subscriptions (!!!) because I needed another like I needed hole in the head. 

But here is my justification:

Everyday Food - Hi I'm sorry, do we not know each other?  I'm a Martha Stewart Zealot.  Yes she's a nutty control freak, but man do her recipes and entertaining tips deliver.  Not to mention I am a total lover of the Everyday Food Cookbook Series.  And this magazine, silly little minx that it is, taunts me at the grocery checkout 10 TIMES PER YEAR.  And almost always, I give in.  To the tune of at least $4.  I recently purchased a subscription to this for my mom on her birthday and I noticed on the little subscription mailer that it came with an added bonus.  A subscription to Whole Living Magazine.  Swoon!  This magazine is another little grocery store temptress and the two for one deal was hard to pass up (hello, $12!  For 20 issues!)  I mean really how could I say no?  Well the answer is, I coulnd't.  And now I am the owner of 14 magazine subscriptions.  And I'm not even satisfied.  Can you believe I still want to subscribe to Oprah?  

It's a problem you all.  But admitting it is the first step, right?  Right????  

 
 

Family Portrait

My family recently got together to celebrate my cousin Jeff's 30th Birthday and usually when we all get together we try and take a big family picture -- but with 20 of us wisecracking chuckleheads it's often hard to get us all smiling and looking at the same camera, you know? 

And not only did we succeed at getting everyone in it and looking at the camera, we also apparently captured a random shitting dog that belongs to none of us.  I'm sure there's a joke in there, but I am too busy laughing hysterically to think of one. 

I just love my family!

You Take the Good, You Take the Bad

It's amazing how one little list  can put some new pep in your step!  All of a sudden I have purpose!  (I know, I'm a little crazy, but I like to think that's part of why you love me, yes?)  I swear my life motto should be:  If you want something done ask someone busy -- because the more I put on my plate the more I get done.  There is no lazier Holly than a Holly with nary a thing to do, trust me.  I have the ability to take more than 2 naps in a day (naps, people!) I have no problem doing lazy.  Now I realize this philosophy is somewhat dependent on inertia, which is sort of counter productive since one actually has to stop sometimes, but today we're not here to talk about my flawed life logic we're here to talk about successes and well, of course, immediate failures.

So I've been tackling all sorts of things around here and one of the  first things I did was plan all my meals this week according to a strategy I call Operation: Fridge Cleanout.  Generally when I plan meals I sit down with Garrett and we talk about what fabulous concoctions we'd like for dinner the following week and grocery shop from there.  It's not always the most efficient for the groceries we have on hand, but hey, it works.  However, since I'm "attempting" to wrangle my grocery budget to under $400 this month (which I realize may sound like a ridiculous amount to some of you since there are only two of us, but hey I've got to start somewhere)  I thought it might be smarter to actually see what meals we can make from the items we have on hand before writing my grocery list.  And we did.  And guess what? No need to go to the store, we have everything we need right on hand!  So success this week goes to our July Week One Meal Plan:

(Apparently our dinner menu is also an advertisement for Sierra Nevada Products.  Not really sure what to say about that besides, uh...YUM.)

So...Success, right?  Dinner menu with no need to go to the grocery store...WOO!  

Except...you knew there was an except, right?

Except last night we went to Trader Joe's (which you can file under 'M' for My Own Personal Kryptonite) to get a few little treats.  Is their any better place to go for treats?  The only product masquerading as dessert in our house right now is some freezer burned rainbow sherbert and a bag of cherries, and although we don't eat dessert every night religiously you must agree with me that this is a Dessert Crisis of Epic Proportions, right?  You Must.  Anyway, so we went to TJ's to pick up two specific things:  Chocolate Covered Raisins (For Her) and Strawberry Licorice (For Him). 

And instead we did this:  

That, my friends, you can file under 'E' for Epic Fail.

So, I appreciate you reserving judgment on the two bottles of $5.99 Prosecco.  I don't know what to tell you about that, or this whole receipt for that matter, except to say it was a momentary lack of all control.  But at the time it seemed like we needed all the items!  After all we are out of Pine Nuts, which I like to have stashed in our freezer, Honey, which I use on greek yogurt for breakfast or lunch.  My almond butter was getting low and plus, the TJ's brand -- has Flax Seeds!  And for half the price of my regular grocery store!  The General Tsao's Stir Fry sauce is AH-MAY-ZING (so is the chili pepper sauce, hence the two bottles of those), and last night we sadly discovered they were out of it (until two aisles later when we found two bottles randomly lying about so OF COURSE we bought them both!)  The Trail Mix and Nut Aisle is always a challenge for Garrett so he picked up a few more "treats" since we hardly ever hit up Trader Joe's so those were easy to rationalize.  The black bean dip is because we have a giant bag of tortilla chips leftover from making nachos last week and who eats tortilla chips plain?  Plus, $1.69?  That's practically giving it away!  Veggie corndogs are cheap at TJ's so I always stock up when I'm there.  Who doesn't need an extra bag of Penne on hand (and our pasta stash was getting low).  The Bacon we incorporated into last nights Breakfast for Dinner (and damn it was good, no regrets on that!) and the string cheese?  WHAT KIND OF PERSON SAYS NO TO STRING CHEESE?  A COMMUNIST, I TELL YOU.  COMMUNIST!  Ok, so the mini hamburger buns?  Well, those I'll admit were an impulse buy -- they were just too cute to pass up. Sliders, anyone?

So as you can see, each and ever purchase was a total necessity, I mean come on. Necessity.   The $75 out of my $400 grocery budget on the 6th day of the month, however?  Well, it remains to be seen what the consequences of that will be for that goal.  You win some, you lose some. 

July Goals

After a personally and professionally draining 2008 I let myself off the hook for New Year's Resolutions.  2009 would be the year of relaxing.  And it was, thankfully, and my mental to do list was chock full of things like "chill out" and "take a deep breath."  By default, when 2010 came around I was sort of enjoying the lack of overarching direction and decided once again to cool it on my normally anal Mission Statement For Life.  But after a year and a half, the little list maker inside of me is ready to bring it back.  As much as lists do sometimes increase my pressure to accomplish, I have finally admitted to myself that I also thoroughly enjoy the act of accomplishing and have genuinely missed the ability to document, strikethrough, and appreciate my own efforts!  So this month I'm getting back to goal-setting, and I hope you will indulge me.  

July Goals 

Health and Wellness

• Make Appointment with Naturopathic Doctor
• Make Appointment with Dermatologist to get skin checked
• Workout 15 times
• Get Haircut
• Get Pedicure (Trust me, this counts as Wellness!  haha) 

Relationships

• Plan a Date Night Outing with Garrett
• Cook Dinner for Family or Friends at least twice
• Think of a thoughtful, creative present for my Mom's Birthday
• Have a Girls Night Out! 

Cooking and Baking

• Make Jam
• Meal Plan for the next 4 weeks 

Intellectual Pursuits

• Read and Review 4 books (on the blog or Goodreads)
• Submit one piece of writing to a website that is not your own 

Career

• Finish Coursework for 2nd Exam of Insurance Designation
• Schedule 2nd Exam
• Purchase Materials for 3rd Exam 

Home

• Paint Guest Bedroom
• Clean Out Closet 
• Do a Goodwill Run 
• Narrow Down Options for Landscape Contractors 

Money and Budget 

• Try (really I mean it, honestly, try) to keep grocery budget under $400
• Revise Our Monthly Budget 

It's a full list, but I think it's a good list.  And frankly just writing it down makes me excited to get started -- funny how that works! 


 

On My Nightstand, On-Deck, and In-the-Queue

As a kid I used to love Summer Reading Lists.  I was also a fan of telling myself that one day I would read every book in the library, and would continually overwhelm myself by acquiring more books than I could read at one time just because the anticipation was exciting.  As an adult I am really no different.  (Book Party...what what?) In fact my love for books has only increased over the years, and despite the fact that I am an incredibly slow reader, I rarely find myself not wrapped up in some kind of good story.  Actually as I was running out the door this morning I was frantically looking for my book, as I usually am, and Garrett said to me, "You aren't even going to have time to read today -- why do you need your book with you?"  And no doubt it is because reading is my security blanket.  I like to know that I have access to a book at anytime.  On the off chance I don't have a book, I'm not picky -- I will read magazines, on-line articles, backs of cereal boxes, instruction manuals (wait, nope, I draw the line at instructions manuals) but you get the idea.  I just love the act of reading and prioritize it pretty highly in my life all year round.  And there is just something about summer + reading that is just such a delightful combination.   So here are the books that are currently on my nightstand, will shortly be on my nightstand, and books that I am hotly anticipating:

On My Nightstand

I'm not going to lie I count this book as a guilty pleasure.  Something about this book (probably the fact that Pat Conroy wrote The Prince of Tides which ended up having Barbara Streisand all up in it) makes me feel like it is a little bit of an old lady book, but I am kind of loving it right now.  It is all about Charleston, South Carolina and it is just full of delicious description.  I know it's a little overwritten and over the top, but that is also what makes it awesome.   Plus I am a sucker for any story with themes about Southern Society, Racial Tension, Secrets and Lies...and boy is this full of them!  I wouldn't run out and purchase it, but I got it from the library and so far it has been a quick read.

Yes, I'm totally STILL reading this, but I feel like because it is non-fiction I can intersperse other books in between its beginning and end.  It is a really fascinating look at the history of domesticity, when we started heading away from prioritizing "the home" and why, and a very interesting discussion on what the costs/benefits of domesticity are today.  It definitely is a Pro-Homemaking-Movement type of book, so if that type of stuff is not interesting to you, probably skip this one. But I find that I even though I work outside the home and really enjoy it, that Hayes makes a great case for giving it all up and just living a simple, peaceful life.  It's pretty inspiring. 

On Deck

Well I have about 20 books on deck, but the ones that are due back at the library most immediately are as follows:

I heard about Sophia Hannah in one of those Marketing emails that Amazon always sends out that I hardly ever pay attention to.  It had the subject line "If you liked Tana French..."  and let me tell you, I did like Tana French, so I opened it.  The plot summaries for many of her thrillers sound mysterious and interesting, and even though I usually prefer lighter stuff in the summer I immediately checked my library and these two books were available, so they are next on my list. 

In The Queue

So like I said, I have a bazillion books on hold at the library and many sitting in my bedroom but here are a few that I am excited to crack open when the time comes.

*A couple of Financial Philosophy books*

*Memoirs...cuz this girl LOVES a good memoir (especially humorous ones)*

 

And if you want to know a really *Dirty Secret* I am probably going to keep it real and tear through a couple of James Patterson paperbacks too.  I know they are garbage, but sometimes you just need a good mindless and dark thriller, you know? Just as I appreciate the highbrow on occasion, I also love the trash!  :) 

Speaking of dark, I read a really interesting interview with Bret Easton Ellis recently that made me want to make my way through some of his books again, but those may be a little too dark for summer.  Garrett still contends that American Psycho is his favorite book (not sure what I think about that, ha!) and I have yet to read that one for fear that the violence will be a turn off, so maybe I will wait for a freezing cold day in winter to start something that depressing. 

Anyway, that's all that's going on in this neck of the woods.  What's on your nightstand?

Complex Is An Understatement

Oh man, so much to say today!  First though, have you read Jonniker's post on the the two rudest things that have happened to her lately and the follow up post about weddings?  Very hysterical stories (comments too!) and seriously, you will die of embarrassment.  I mean like Drop. Dead.  But please reincarnate yourself and come back here because ***clap clap*** we have so many things to discuss!

So the thing that I found funniest about all those tales of The Rude were that so many of them had to do with weddings, and man if there is another event that is as tied up with miscommunications, expectations, etiquette (barf!) and general craziness please advise me now so I can put it on my list of Things To Avoid Like the Plague.  A wedding, however, will probably not be something I am able to avoid, so my mind boggles when I think about how to put one together and also stay sane.  (I MEAN HELLO, DID YOU READ ABOUT THE RUDENESS?)

I mentioned a while back that I am trying to convince Garrett that we should start thinking about our wedding this August when all our house projects are OVER!  The anti-climatic nature of that that has shocked some people I know, because OMG who talks about a wedding when they are NOT engaged, and ohmygod let me see your finger where is your ring? how big is your ring? have you picked out a ring? And, I guess I understand that sentiment, but honestly the whole surprise aspect of engagement is a little bit lost on me, just the idea of "engagement" is a little terrifying (this article sums up my fears quite nicely).  Garrett and I have been together for almost 5 years and I would say that shortly into our relationship we both kind of knew that this was it, and because of that I'm not hotly anticipating a surprise shower of rose-petals and a giant diamond bauble.  Because we already have a family diamond that is sitting and waiting to be dealt with, and because I think that Garrett knows me well enough to know showy romantic gestures just don't float my boat since I regularly snort with laughter over Jared Commercials, I just don't think the traditional proposal is in our future. (Though stranger things have happened, and I wouldn't be horrified to have a little moment)  But can't we just count as engaged already, or do we need to do the down on one knee thing?  sigh.   

OK, HOLLY, FINE. BE FAKE ENGAGED THEN, BUT WHEN IS THE WEDDING???  

This is the eternal question, I suppose.  The one I am sort of tired of fielding.  The reason I am pushing for an August "Let's Start to Plan" Date.

Now don't get me wrong, I am thrilled at the idea of marrying Garrett.  THRILLED.  He's my lobster and all that.  I am not anti-marriage at all, and in fact it is important to me that at some point we make our union legal.  But after a number of years attending weddings, being in weddings, hearing about the weddings of others I am just sort of tired of the entire Wedding Industrial Complex.  I'm all for traditions, but I've never been one to follow them blindly (especially when they were invented as a way to make money),  I certainly have no intention of doing something because some bridal magazine tells me I need to, and I think it is lame that I may have to pay twice the price for something just because I will need it on my wedding day as opposed to any other day.  These things incense me.  

And let's talk about the spending for a minute, can we?  I'm just going to come out and say that I will absolutely, positively, not spend an amount of money equivalent to a down payment on a house for a party.  I just won't.  I will happily rank as below average in this category of life.  I've spent too many years getting myself into and out of debt, learning how to save, and making a financial plan for my life and somehow spending half of my annual salary on a party just seems to be taking a hit off the crazy bong! I don't need to have any more nightmares of Suze Orman yelling at me, I have engaged in enough of that trauma just surviving my 20s. 

BUT, HOLLY, IT'S A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EVENT.

And I understand this rationale, really I do, and if you threw and extravagant wedding, please do not think I am judging you.  I've been to some and they were very fun.  No complaints here. It's just personally I can not part with my own money that way because over the past few years I have turned into a Miser-in-Training and right now I just have some other financial goals.  Bad timing I guess, because I swear if you would have asked me about my dream wedding ten years ago I probably would have said "Get me unicorns!  No price is too high!"  All that being said, I have to admit I do sort of take issue with the pressure of this "One Time Event," mostly because I feel like that pressure is a marketing tactic.  It's like when you go to buy a car and you find one you like and the sales guy is all, "You better sign the papers now because it may be gone tomorrow."  As if I would never be able to find another silver Honda Civic anywhere in the state of California.  Yes, the formal celebration of a marriage usually only happens once -- you know unless you are Ramona Singer and then apparently it happens every 17 years -- but what about the marriage?  I guess for me, it just seems to make more sense to focus resources on the marriage itself, because that sucker lasts FOREVAH, right? But apparently the Marriage Industry doesn't have quite as savvy of a marketing team as the Wedding Indsutry.

BUT DON'T YOU WANT TO SHARE THIS WITH YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS?

And in the end, this is the rub my friends.  There was a time when I was trying to convince Garrett to elope or have a destination wedding to avoid all this wedding planning hullabaloo because, let's be real, it probably isn't going to be that stressful FOR HIM.  But he just kept getting sad at the thought of that and saying "I really want my family and friends to be there."  And really, how can I say no to that?  Also it helps that my family absolutely kicks ass and is always the life of the party, so it's pretty much confirmed that if they show up there will be a good time whether we are playing flip cup or singing in church.  So I guess a normal wedding it is!  But the reconciliation of "What we're supposed to do" vs. "What I have we have  the ever-loving patience want to do" does look to be a bit of a challenge.  I know in the end we will create an event that is meaningful for us and if that makes it a little offbeat we will do our best to communicate the motivations to the ones we love -- I just hope we stay sane in the process.  But I guess if we don't,we'll always have the Honeymoon Industrial Complex.    

Reading and Ritual

I finally updated my goodreads profile the other day and came to the sad realization that in the Month of May I didn't finish a single book.  Since reading is pretty much my favorite way to spend down time, I was obviously a bit disappointed.  It is especially sad when you compare it to last May when I read 8 books!  Granted last May I spent 12 days in Maui where I read 6 of those books and spending the early mornings drinking coffee on a lanai is far more conducive to reading than the hustle bustle of everyday life --  but STILL!  That is no excuse. 

Last week I spent a few minutes browsing some of my favorite reading blogs (minutes!  ha!  I kid. I kid.  It was more like hours) and immediately pulled up a second browser with my local library's catalog system ready to request whatever piqued my interest.  I ended up with about 20 new books in addition to the other stuff I previously had on hold.  These have been slowly but surely making their way to the hold shelf at the library and I have been stopping by to pick them up little by little on my way home from work and I contend there is nothing more exciting than a stack of new books, fresh from the library waiting to be read! 

I wasn't joking yesterday when I said I am inspired to try and create a life that I don't want to escape, and one of the things that gets me giddy when planning some escape time is:  Can I squeeze in some uninterupted reading time? I mean hours to read all to myself is such a luxury unavailable in the everyday life, right?   Well forget that, I say!  I have come up with a solution that makes this luxury come standard in my everyday life.  I've been setting my alarm for 5am -- which I know makes some people's mouths drop -- so please don't think I am recommending this for everyone.  But for me?  I'm a morning person and basically the second I get out of bed, I'm up and ready to have a conversation or take on the day or whatever.  I know that sounds sickening, but it was not my natural state, trust me.  I spent over 10 years in the coffee industry and part of that job description is that you learn to get up at unimaginable hours, so mostly it's a non-issue for me as long as I go to bed at a decent hour.  So the other day I asked myself -- why am I not taking advantage of that? 

Getting up early is someting I love.  Uninterupted time to myself to read is also something that I love.  So why not combine the two (especially when it is summer and it is BEAUTIFUL in the morning) for a little daily luxury?  I have started almost everyday for the last week with almost 2 extra hours to read, drink my coffee, enjoy the weather before it gets crazy-hot, and just RELAX!  I mean my backyard is no Maui Lanai but it has totally felt like a mini-vacation every single day, not to mention I've been tearing through books like gangbusters (Well for me at least, I read dreadfully slow).   I'm just so happy to be able to make one tiny intentional change that so far is making a world of difference. 

So, now that that is out of the way -- tell me, I've got my Library Catalog Browser open...what are you reading right now???

Time Of Our Life?

I’ve been reading a number of things about personal finance, simplification and consumerism lately. These are things I think a lot about anyway just because I find them fascinating, but with all the recent lifestyle changes we have been making I have found myself even more committed to making sure we are doing the best we can with our finances, saving where we can, DIY’ing when it makes sense, and generally being cognizant about Need vs. Want. With Garrett working part time right now there’s really no glossy way to put it, our income has been reduced by almost half.


That is actually kind of a panic inducing number when you think about it – but in actuality it really hasn’t been that stressful. I know what you are thinking, “But Holly, what do you mean things haven’t been stressful, I read your blog. You’re life has been a ball of stress lately.” And to that, I would agree, but I would also clarify: I’m not saying we haven’t had stressful things going on – um, you are correct to note just about every post over the last two weeks -- but the reality is that this stress would have been there no matter what, whether we were both working full time making twice as much money, or not. And my point is that our reduction in income hasn’t made life more stressful and in fact, I’m going to posit the exact opposite.


What has been amazing over these last few weeks with all this stress going on is that with Garrett’s new part time gig at Peet’s (free coffee, FTW!) it has been so incredibly awesome to have him around because he is well suited to be Captain of Team Fix It. These types of stressors are things Garrett handles better than I do, so he’s kind of the obvious choice. So even with all the craziness going on there is definitely a more relaxed energy around our house. For me, it has been because Garrett has been majorly owning life on the home front (instead of us both juggling to split it) and for him, the fact that this new job is about 90 Bazillion times less stressful than either of the jobs he has had in the last 5 years is improving his quality of life in ways we didn’t even plan for. No doubt we have definitely had to contemplate decisions about purchases more carefully, and we have had to (sadly) say no to a couple of experiences that we would have normally jumped at the chance to be a part of, but overall life with less money has felt (dare I say) better.


This is weird, right? Stick with me for a minute and I will explain away the crazy, I promise.


I read something recently that that sort of inspired me, and also did a little dot connecting for me in my head. The post was about creating a life that needs no escape, and the part that really resonated with me was this:

I think that for a lot of people, vacations are as much about getting away from normal life as they are about seeing new places. Most people get two or three weeks of vacation time each year. Do you really want to have two or three great weeks per year, during which you try to get away from whatever it is you do with your time the other 49 to 50 weeks? I would rather have 52 great weeks and no desire to escape from my life.

I think what resonated for me was this idea of being intentional with your life. You are in the driver’s seat, so why not be creating a life that you want to live, instead of planning all these things to do when you finally get some time off from life? Even though the above post came from a financial blog, I feel like this idea of creating a life you want to be living encompasses so much more than just saving your money (though that is a big part of it). I think it is about defining what you value – and really, when you get caught up in the hustle bustle of everyday life, sometimes you forget to ask yourselve if the tasks on our to do list are really aligning with what it is you truly value? Defining your values, figuring out what excites and inspires you, and determining what success looks like for you in your own life is hard enough. Add on trying to actually achieve these things in the context of the well meaning others around you (with their own opinions) and it becomes almost this radical idea.


For us, the past couple months have been a little bit radical. We have definitely had much less disposable income to kick around, but what we found is that we had an overabundance of time -- and as it turns out that was something that we were ALWAYS craving! Time to get things done, time to plan, time to execute and of course time to breathe – all these things were luxuries before. But it turns out, with just a few tweaks, we unintentionally created this life where all of that comes standard. So even though we’ve been doing some penny pinching, having a little less money lately has really forced us to think about what we truly value, and many of those things: time with our family, having dinner together, being outside, exercising, reading, working in the yard, tending to our little garden, catching up with friends – don’t really require millions of dollars. But having the time to spend doing them? Priceless.

Sometimes I do NOT enjoy being a girl....

So yesterday we had another company come out to give us a second opinion on our House A/C Situation.   As I mentioned recently, the last guy from a Very Reputable Company came out and basically said our A/C was dunzo, which on the eve of summer in Sacramento is like being sentenced to the death penalty. 

The incident went down something like this since Garrett was out of town:

Holly:  Our heater wouldn't turn on all winter and we are now worried our A/C is up to no good as well, although we haven't tried to turn it on.

Very Reputable A/C Guy:  Well let me do some checking, I'll be back.

(After about 30 minutes)

H:  So, how did it go?

VRACG:  Here let me draw you a picture and speak to you with lots of big words you will only kind of understand. 

H:  OK

VRACG:  Blah, Blah, Blah, and in the end, I'm not saying you have to get a new A/C System, but you kind of have to get a new A/C System.  Have your boyfriend call me if he wants me to break the situation down for him too.   

*****Cue Panic******


So then yesterday Mr. New Repairman from This Other Company comes out to give a second opinion.  Although he doesn't know he is our second opinion.  And rather than dealing with me, he deals with Garrett -- and when I say "deals with Garrett" I mean spends an hour and a half diagnosing and tinkering and cleaning and servicing and ALLOWING GARRETT TO STAND ON A LADDER WHILE HE DOES THINGS ON OUR ROOF BECAUSE GARRETT IS CURIOUS HOW EVERYTHING WORKS, and then answers ninety billion of Garrett's very mechanical questions that were relevant to the sitiuation. 

And this guy's verdict:  There's nothing wrong.  

Um...wha??????  Nothing?  Like at all?

Nothing.

Two very different answers, and two very different situations.  

One is offering the death penalty, the other is offering an all expense paid trip to the Bahamas.  And I'm feeling sort of vexed by the whole situation.  

COOL THINGS:  

*Um, you know which guy we are going to listen to right?
*The second opinion made sense and was very thorough.
*And most importantly, after a quick cleaning, both the A/C and the Heat are now working like a charm.

THINGS I'M KIND OF ANNOYED ABOUT:

*According to the First Opinion, yes the A/C is technically working, but we are living on "borrowed time" which of course gives me anxiety, but not enough to run out spend $8K just in case, you know?
*Um, did I just totally get worked by Mr. First Opinion?
*Here let me answer that for you.  Yes, I think I totally just got worked by Mr. First Opinion.

I don't know if all of you will feel me on this, but sometimes in my experience as a female, if I have to have something serviced or repaired I totally get the run around.  I'm not saying I expect it, because I really give people the benefit of the doubt, but I have seriously had some shady situations go down (especially surrounding car problems) that just NEVER happen when Garrett takes the car in or whatever.  It's annoying, but I'm not going to lie, it's also kind of fun to let someone go through the process of trying to give you the run around, just to turn around and let them know that you know what the hell you are talking about.  Take, for example:  Many years ago, in my single days, I had actually just picked my car up from having the break pads replaced and went to get my oil changed (which, was obvs my dream day of errand running I'll have you know)  and the oil change guy gave me a line about how my transmission was all effed up and my break pads really probably needed some attention, but he could handle that for me at the low price of $149.99 or something ridiculous.  Actually, I'm not sure if it was exactly those things, because now that I think about it why would an oil guy be looking at my break pads, but it was somebody looking at my break pads and telling me they were shot even though I HAD JUST HAD THEM CHANGED SO SHUT IT YOU LYING LIAR FACE, DUDE!  Wanna see my receipt, because here it is on the passenger seat you idiot.  

This happens more often than I would like, I find, but I am really having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that this A/C guy would really take advantage of me!  He was so nice to me!  And my mom, who was also there!  How can you want to take advantage of my mom, too?  Grrrrr. 

Well, come to find out, after a long drawn out discussion about an A/C Unit last night (Hey-O, kind of like this blog post!)  apparently, when Garrett called him (as you will remember the A/C guy TOLD ME TO HAVE GARRETT DO) Mr. A/C was a little put off and defensive and kind of evaded all of Garrett's questions (which, honestly, Garrett does ask a lot of questions about mechanical things, I know this -- but um, that's why I'm pretty sure HE CAN FIX SHIT, which, indicidentally is not my thing.  But hey I have other things!  I can write diatribes on fixing shit on the internet, so there!)  And this sort of gave Garrett a feeling that we really needed that second opinion, which, in the end I'm super glad we got.  But still, the whole thing is just sort of vexing -- I mean yes, it's good news.  But also, I feel sort annoyed about the whole damn thing. 

I bet you all can't wait to hear about our dealings with landscapers!  Woot!